I’ve been quiet on here for a while– I think it’s time for an update. My family is in a big transition period right now. After nearly three and a half years exclusively at home, my daughter is now going to preschool! We decided to start her off with just a half day but it’s still a big change. Both Victorie and I were used to waking up when we wanted to, but now I have to get her to school on time! It’s been challenging to prepare her lunch and get her up and ready, but we are adjusting.
In related news, I am now going to “big people school” as my daughter calls it. I started grad school two weeks ago and am super excited to be working towards a Masters’ degree in Ministry Leadership.
My husband asked Victorie, “What about Dada, does Dada go to school?” She immediately replied, “No, Dada go to work!” We found this hilarious. But there are big changes underfoot for Nelson, too. He’s taking care of Victorie for long hours while I’m in class — I wouldn’t be able to do this without him.
This is truly a dream come true – I remember wanting to go to grad school when I was in my early 20s. I was convinced I needed an MFA in creative writing, but the Holy Spirit said NO.
Being constrained by God is hard! But I obeyed. And in the interim I developed an inferiority complex – many of my college friends had gone on to get post-graduate degrees, but what about me? What did I have to show for my life, except a teaching job, a good marriage, and many years of ministry? (These are big things!) Jealousy plagued me whenever I heard about another friend that graduated with another degree.
I only recognized this nasty thought pattern — the jealousy, the insecurity — in the last two years. You know how sometimes thoughts run like a script in your head but you’re not aware of them? It was like that for me, until the Holy Spirit brought them to light. I surrendered these thoughts to God. And I became OK with the idea that I would never get another degree in my life.
My net worth on earth might change with some more schooling, but my worth to God will never change.
I was hanging a lot of my identity and value on how educated I was (or wasn’t) and that’s a lie. I am a daughter of the King and He loves me. Jesus thought I was so worth it that He DIED for me. That’s where my identity is rooted.
Another lie I was believing was that my effectiveness in God’s kingdom would be hampered by my lack of further education. L-I-E. My effectiveness has much more to do with how connected I am to Him than anything else.
And it was through intimacy (a season of prayer and fasting particularly), that the Lord impressed upon me that it was time to go to grad school. I developed a passion for organizational leadership in the church through different ministry experiences and I wanted to help build the Body in this capacity. As I wrestled with how to do that, I felt a strong desire to go learn more about it. The Holy Spirit said yes; He even told me which school to go to.
I so appreciate His wisdom and His timing. Had I pursued further studies prematurely, it would have become a source of pride for me, I’m sure of it. I would have specialized in the wrong subject matter, too.
The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind. I was at Walmart recently looking for a binder when I was unexpectedly overcome with emotion. I couldn’t remember the last time I had bought school supplies for myself. Here was God, fulfilling my dreams, in His timing. And there I was, identity secure in Christ, with no need for a degree to validate my worth. God is so good!
Sometimes God doesn’t give us what we want, instead He changes our desires. But then there are those times when our dreams align with God’s dreams, and it’s a beautiful thing!
Are you believing lies about your identity? I encourage you to allow the Holy Spirit to set you free! Do you have any dreams you’re waiting on God to fulfill? Please share!